The Narci Files part 2 ( Confessions from a re:Set narcissist)

   As soon as the train left the station I knew, somehow, deep in my craw that I was not supposed to be a passenger. All the sudden I would feel the swoosh, and the blank look would once again emerge reminding me of yet another Deja vu. I would run at breakneck speed to the last car to look out of the back window, still considering jumping off, but then carefully calculating the cost. It was always more than I could afford or willing to spend.

   “It’s just too late, I’m stuck, again, on this god awful loco-motive for another excursion".

     Caught in a crossfire of good and evil thoughts, desiring so desperately to do the right thing, but the current is much too strong and wave after wave send you plummeting straight into the proverbial rocks. The Romans-Seven-Syndrome inevitably strikes again.

     I spent many a night in cheap hotels pacing the floors, trying to make sense of the devastation I had just created at home. How does this keep happening? What is wrong with me, that I can just snap like that? Where is my breaker switch, and how do I gain access to it? Maybe I was just not equipped with one? Yeah, that's got to be it because I see that others have the ability to make good choices for themselves and especially for their families that they proclaim to love.

    So, it must be me.

     How do I get off of this gerbil wheel? How do I keep getting free passes to ride? When did I even sign up for this ghastly ride because I do not recall? Is there a place where I will no longer be tormented or is this simply my lot in life?

     This is how I spent many years of my life. Day after day wondering when the ball was gonna drop! I was on the three-month plan and my wife and I both knew it very well. Like clockwork. It didn’t make any difference as to how many good days we experienced. I was on countdown and I hated it because I would convince myself that this time, yes, this time I would beat it! I read the books, I said the prayers, I went to the conferences and led worship and had intimacy with God, so I was convinced that it wasn’t going to happen again. Insert Einstein's definition of insanity.

     "Doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results”.    

And yet there I was, counting mile markers again. Not knowing where the hell I was going this time, but I knew, I had to get away. My heart raced the speedometer to the point that I was sure that this time it would surely explode. Another cigar will calm me down, and then I will be alright is what I would tell myself. After three or so in a row, my heart still pounded violently in my chest.

     With pride as my co-pilot, I always had a loyal companion, someone to talk with, that would singlehandedly convince me each time how right I was. I was never to give in to never give in under any circumstances. I’m right, she’s wrong and in just a matter of time she will come to her senses. She will soon see how she played that victim role again.     As a result, I am left out in the cold trying to make sense of her irrational behavior.pffft 

     That is only one example of the numerous aberrations that I kept neatly bundled in my backpack. Contingent on the conflict or situation, I did not lack any subordinates of pride, ego, fear, insecurity, deception, and evil at the very core to keep me firmly in the wake of a diabolical plan to destroy me and those that I profess to love.

     I don’t think that I have ever experienced anything more mind-boggling than being told how I reacted to a situation and then being at a total loss? I mean like nothing, nada, zilcho! We’re talking, “the lights are on but nobody’s home” type of situation. Initially, it sounds so absolutely absurd that I immediately believed that my wife was the one who was one hundred percent certifiably cray cray! She is the one in need of a pretty white jacket that laced up in the back.

     I couldn’t fathom nor digest that what I was being told could have possibly been me? These were the actions that could only be produced by some deranged maniacal sociopathic narcissist. I’d heard of these types of men and women and the atrocities committed by them.  Now I had to somehow come to a place where it was necessary for me to reconcile that my actions, to a lesser degree, were cut from the same fabric.      This was terrifying, to say the least.

     The only key that I believed I possessed at the time was nothing shy of the big S.     You know, the “permanent solution to a temporary problem”. Temporary! How the hell long is temporary? It’s been over three decades now and this is a battle I am obviously unable to defeat and almost innately I seem to succumb to?

     A part of me is running wildly through what seems like endless corridors, screaming at the top of my lungs, scanning the walls and searching for an exit sign whilst the other part of me is contemplating the most effective means of ending it all. But just when you think it’s safe to get back in the water, enters what I know now to be the purest of evil. As I type these words, I want to literally throw up coming to grips with again, and seeing the video played in my mind of the way that I was programmed, used and abused. Like something out of a movie. A robot created and enabled to carry out the very plans that would rescind my very existence, and if done according to plan, leave nothing but destruction in my wake.

     This type of evil does not discriminate. Its only objective is to steal, kill and destroy everything that it encounters. Once it gets a foothold in you, you better pray to God that somehow, someway its tentacles can be severed from you before it’s too late.

    Allow me to present to you a light brushstroke of what my cycle looked like:

     I would typically mull over unhealthy thoughts (energy) for days at a time. Inevitably, the precise moment would arrive unbeknownst to me. A nanosecond, if you will, that would catch me by surprise each and every time. This energy would now manifest itself. It had to, by design. It had no choice because “I”, had already created it.

     The explosion would take place, and then I was off to the races, convinced I was right. Firmly grasping my proverbial, “no retreat no surrender”, banner. Carried high and proudly! There was no specific timeframe for how long this part of the malady would ensue.

     What I can tell you, is that eventually fear of the worst kind, would encircle me and completely barricade me into what was already a very tiny cell. It would then prod and poke me to the point where I was left for dead, lying in one of the corners in a fetal position.  

     All the sudden I would awaken. I do not know how or why? I would walk down from my ivory tower and with each step that I took, there seemed to manifest what appeared to be the edges of remorse? My heart began to beat again, and the pieces of the puzzle would begin to make a little more sense as I placed them in their appropriate designated places. Once I crossed the threshold and I could actually open my eyes and see light rays that had been previously subdued. Real tears would flow down to and over my cheeks. It felt so good to experience the warmth of this life in the form of liquid flowing out of me and slowly but surely bringing everything back into focus. 

     Now aroused by an unseen force that somehow was determined to always come to my rescue and cheer me on to the next yard line, innately knowing that one day, that with my cooperation It would get me across the entire field and into the end zone! Score!

     My limo would arrive right on schedule with “home”, programmed into the GPS. It was time now to lay down completely to what I had done. To own it. No justification. No bullshit. Only counting on true Godly remorse to be my guide and touch the heart of my bride, that would once again be the antidote resulting in a reunion that could never take place by any other blueprint.

To be continued......