Is this where it all began? I mean, shouldn’t I have known that each time I glanced at the looking glass that I was yet again depositing seed into what promised to become a fertile field of delusion?

Surely, a six-year-old, hazel eyed, curly-headed little boy was expected to know, right?

He had better be creating positive affirmations about himself and his world at each glimpse.

Little did I know, however, how much my world was being shaped by the events that were occurring in the dark rooms of sexual abuse along with the grooming that was essential, to erect and construct the four walls of my prison cell.

I was handed a plow and straightaway sent to work. It was my job to cultivate the land where I would soon plant an arsenal of self-preservation seeds. Anger, pride, delusion, envy, suspicion, jealousy, self-importance, arrogance and lack of empathy were perhaps some of the “first fruits of the initial crop.

“But wait there’s more”

Once this part, ate from its own banqueting table, the doors were now open for business. It was time now for the second harvest and there was no lack of seed. There was more, even new seed brought in by the winds of adversity. From the gales that had recently blown over the innocent garden. Displaying no mercy, on a mission to use and abuse, torture, mutilate and destroy another life. With only one objective.To tally up more hash marks and enlarge its trophy case in “Its”, hideous halls of injustice.

And just like that, bam! In the blink of an eye, in a nanosecond, I was whisked away into a world that I didn’t choose. Dropped off in a playground specifically designed and engineered to breed and develop a type of “human” afraid of his or her own shadow. I was equipped nonetheless, with a cache of weaponry to dominate, control and reduce others to a place where I would always be the one left seated, drunk on the throne of “Grand Delusion.” Deeming that I was worthy of determining the value, meaning, and significance of another’s existence.

Driven by the combustible of fear, I became an expert driver. I now had the car of my dreams housed in my garage. I could now wash, wax and polish it as often as I desired. And as long as I did. I never had to be concerned or worry with the internal remote control operated by the tour guide, leading us all to the edge of the rocky cliffs.

With a trail of shattered, destroyed and ruined relationships in my wake, Perpetually I raised my pointer finger and aggressively accused, accused and accused their writhing bodies of the wrongful disobedient acts, that resulted in this epilogue of demise.

Never once, able to, not even in the slightest, peek at the grotesque possibility that I, could have conceivably had anything to do with why things may have gone over the edge.

Are you kidding me? That kind of assessment would surely stop the train, ruin the crop, bring an end to the game. This could not happen on my watch! I won’t be the one to escape and become the one hunted down like a deranged psycho fugitive. Oh no, not me!

NO ONE GETS OUT ALIVE...

The sign read....and I had seen it enough times that it had become a solid core belief. Something deep in me often pondered on what “Out” meant? I don’t know why I was intelligent enough to surmise that if there was an out, why would “they” make me aware.

Maybe it’s true that the criminal always does leave clues? Oh no, no, no, this kind of ruminating will certainly not lead me to a good place.

“Here ya go, have another cup of red Kool-Aid and it will dismantle and eradicate that aberrative thinking”

A cupful, however, never satiated. I needed the whole bottle to ensure my prolonged stay. Although every now and then I would get flashes of the "other side." They had done a fabulous, well-rehearsed job in convincing me that Narnia did not exist and that I was delusional.

That if I continued with this nonsensical thinking I would be placed in solitary confinement.

Without recourse, I was forced to go with their flow, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

To be continued.........