Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes

I bared down on the clutch, threw her in first gear , turned up the jams and as we drove away I felt as though I was in an echo chamber of sorts.

I could still hear the final departing words from our Pastor.

“Nothing changes if nothing changes” he said. It was like in a recurring slow motion as it leisurely danced around my ear drums. Nothing inside of me was in the least attracted to that particular frequency mainly because I knew this was just part of the cycle. Just a frequent stop along the way.

I had practically memorized the view of this side of the mountain. I had been here so many times before that I knew where all the crags were in the rocks , I knew where all of the potholes were but the one thing, I never had a bead on was when the shoe would drop?

You see, perhaps like you, I was ok until I wasn’t ok. With the charm and smile of a young James Caan in the Godfather, I could play the role(s) very well.

Coupled with my devious narcissist tendencies, I kept my tanks filled because gas-lighting was my specialty.

I “learned”, as a fledgling just how to take people right to the edge. Right where they would begin to question their own sanity. As an adult this became my way of keeping things in order on the outside as the unruly, turbulent winds blew within.

I didn’t know that I was broken. I just knew that I wasn’t giving in. I couldn’t! I would not be the one to bow down and beg, not unless of course she stood up and did the unthinkable.

“I’ve had enough of your shit and I am leaving. You are not going to control me anymore, as a lampshade or some other inanimate object hurled past me.

That was my cue to get my best James Dean on and get-ta really working it. wink wink.

“Oh no baby, it’s not like that. I, I, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to do that or say those things. I was just angry (as the scared little boy would emerge) Please, please don’t leave. Go ahead then you bitch, get the fuck outta here. Babe, babe, no no no  come here just stay. Everything will be ok, I promise”

Wash, rinse, repeat..........

This was our incessant cycle. I wanted desperately to change but I just couldn’t. No matter what I did, it was short lived, and I really just wanted to end it all. What was the point in living in a world full of me? I could only get to the next stop, but I was not the one in control of the roulette wheel. It was out of my hands; I was just along for the ride but I needed a way out.

If somehow, someway the conductor would turn and look the other way just for a nano-second maybe then I could dive off this ride and be free from this roller coaster of horror.

Another failed session or should I say another session I failed to show up for. But I promised. Crap, I don’t give a shit. Like it’s going to make any difference anyway. I’ll just slip through the cracks like I always do and that’ll buy me a few more weeks at least.

“Why Lord, what did I do wrong? Why did you fail to give me the kind of love that I see that other men have? It’s just not fair. What did I do to You? Whatever it is that I did, I am sorry Lord. I hate this life and I curse the day that I was born. You betrayed me and I just want to die”!

And here enters the ruthless mirror that’s forever chasing me. Catching up with me, she constantly reminds me to take a damn good, hard look at the depraved man that I had become. The enemy was relentless with it's torturous schemes because  well aware that I was on borrowed time. I however, was not aware.

Even in the midst of my darkest nights, I somehow still managed to curl up into a fetal position and cry out to God, I would beg Him to change me. I wanted freedom so badly but the shackles were just too tight and I could not get free on my own.

And then the lust and rage would ensue guaranteeing me a season ticket once again. You see my lust even for freedom was still lust. It carried the same DNA and produced the same results.

[Anger] at prodigious levels.

It’s what ensues when we can’t have what we want.

If you’re in doubt, just visit your nearby toy store and watch mommy’s at the check out counter with toddlers in tow. I am willing to bet that it won’t be long before a a rug rat manifest right before your very eyes.

“Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes”

I could still hear it, all around me. It was galling to say the least, and all I could do was put my palms to my ears and scream. “lalalalalalalala”.

I was nonetheless infuriated for the reason that I kept getting the same result until I became aware that it was the epitome of insanity.

By some means I had trusted that I was due a different result or outcome without ever substituting the “income”. Einstein shakes his head.

My cry for freedom was relentless even as I struck the match to burn down the house again and again.

Unbeknownst to me, my pleas were heard. There came a day when I have to believe that Jesus himself said, “Enough!”

Not that He had orchestrated anything or made a deal with the devil to torment me, but out of His undying strong as death , unyielding as the grave, love for me, He would present the change that would create the change.

I was completely bankrupt and He was the only One, that as a result of already having covered my debt could call the shots.

The Son is in the setting free business and I was not going to be the one that got away.

His mercy swooped in on eagles  wings and swept me away into the thermal drafts of His intoxicating grace.

Game over.

The change had come, and I was pulling no punches or taking any prisoners. With it came a new coat named “Authority”, fully charged and activated. All I had to do was come into agreement with its ability to take dominion and voila. Easy peasy.

I am not aware of any formula or if there is one that even exists. All I know, is my journey and my story. I will however put in all of my chips on this one thing, that Jesus was the missing link.

I can only encourage you to desire that change more than the air you breathe!

Hang on tight and cry out to a loving God who can provide you with the [change] that you desperately need.

The power that raised Him from the dead, is the same power at your disposal, but you will have to seek Him, discover, and obtain it somewhere along the way as you sojourn with the one that sets us free.

Something Changes if Something Changes.....